I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My pussy is not your playground.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
