Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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