You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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