WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
