party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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