When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
