so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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