We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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