Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
