No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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