if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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