new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So squirting runs in the family.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Come on in and take your pants off
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