I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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