she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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