im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
