He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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