i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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