My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
