I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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