you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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