At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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