Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
