we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
