Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
