Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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