He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Let's paint friendship bongs
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
