How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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