i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
