i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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