Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
