I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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