I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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