i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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