Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
where are you?
Hypothermia
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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