8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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