1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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