and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
