Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
