he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
