genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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