i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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