Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
