remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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