Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
