great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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