So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
