Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize