last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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