well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
