I hate your face
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
