I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
