she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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