my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
