The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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