around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
