Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
