How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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